Shocker.

[jackwabbit]

Not.

You are: GAMBIT



Cuz, I mean, well... duh. While I have a long-standing joke with lemonpiefirefly and a few others that I am, in fact, Iron Man, let's face it. I'm not quite as clean-shaven as Tony Stark, so to speak. My conscience, like his, was only grown as an adult, but it allowed me far more leniency in my younger years than Tony's did. Also, I'm not quite that smart and I am a Francophile, so while I will always be Iron Man to Beck (though she does have a soft spot for Gambit, too, so...), Gambit suits me just fine.

Now, the reason this post is flocked, if I may. Scratch that. I'm unlocking it because I don't care who knows this. I'm happy and proud to be who I am so frankly any judgmental haters out there can go fuck themselves. I will instead screen comments to avoid violating the privacy of others. Let me know if it's okay to share your thoughts or not if you add your voice here. And now back to the show: yesterday, Zachary Quinto came out. I told him on Twitter that who he loves is of no consequence to me, but that he was and that that applied to every other human on earth, too. I don't care who anyone loves. I only care about them. That is true. What is also true is that I am a heterosexual female. However, I can relate to issues surrounding this announcement. Why? Because my gender doesn't perfectly line up with my sex. Never has, likely never will.

Now, I'm pretty sure everyone here understands that sexual orientation, sex, and gender are three different things, but let me clarify any muddy waters. I'm heterosexual. I'm female. I have never questioned these things. I am not sexually attracted to persons of my own sex, nor do I desire to have a penis (how very odd that must be...*shudder*).

That said (and this is hard to put into words - not because I am in any way upset by it but because words are so limiting sometimes), when I took that test, I answered the first question as male, like I always do when given the choice.* It never enters my mind to pick the female box on any "what superhero are you?" kind of test. That's just crazytown. Why would I do that? I ask you: who would want to be a girl superhero? Or a girl anything else, for that matter?

I always (ALWAYS) role played Luke Skywalker as a kid, never the only Star Wars girl. Why the fuck would I want to be Leia?

I visualized myself as a knight in shining armor saving princesses a lot, but I never once pretended to be a princess. Who would?

The first movie that I fell asleep dreaming of that night was E.T. Know what? Yeah, I was Elliot. Who else would I be?

I am mystified by other answers to these types of questions every day.  My old boss's wife wore skirts a lot on, like, normal work days. I do not understand this. I cannot fathom why anyone would wear a skirt unless they had to. Her two daughters wear dresses often. I am confused by this. Why are they in dresses if they aren't going to a funeral, the theater, or some other formal occasion? Why do they even own more than one or maybe two? I mean, since I'm not a church-goer (and even if I was, I likely wouldn't wear dresses there), I have occasion to wear a dress every few years. Children, I would think, would need one, um...never? What in HOLY HELL is wrong with them? I'm serious. This is how I think. I cannot wrap my brain around this phenomenon because I simply cannot relate to it. At. All.

I own dresses. I wear them. I even like one or two of them, and I adore my one true gown. But I would never, ever wear one for shits and giggles. Dresses are for the theater, weddings, and funerals. Only. I have always felt this way, and I suspect I always will. (Actually, that's not entirely true, because as a child I felt they were never, ever, ever, ever acceptable.**)

This is a minor thing, I know. It's only clothes. As I told my mother over and over again as a child when she tried to put one of those things on me, God doesn't care how we dress. (There is no sensible rebuttal for this, by the way. I was four, but I was right.) But it shows my point, which is that when push comes to shove, I can be a girl. But that isn't me, and that goes far deeper than clothing.

In my mind's eye, when I played "make believe" as a kid, I wasn't a chick. Ever. I was always a guy. I pretended to be Superman a lot. Never Wonder Woman. Ever.

In every way except biology, I was a little boy. Now that I am old enough to understand that, well, that happens (yes, even if you are straight and don't want a sex change - again gender isn't sex or sexual orientation), I can say that easily. I also understand that I stayed this way for a very long time, and then I had a painful mental adolescence in my twenties. (Yes, in my twenties.) And finally, now, in my mid-thirties, I am comfortable enough to cosplay as a female character. 2010 was a first for that, you know. As a child, I was a soldier every year by choice. I wouldn't hear of anything else once I was old enough to really have input on such things. And to do Baby Bowler this year? Not a girl child, but a woman? I honestly ever thought I'd see the day, despite the fact that I realized that women are fucking awesome when I buried my nephew.***

And so I find myself shifting a bit in my gender identity. I do believe that happens. I've had some long private online talks with an LJ friend about this, and the truth is that I believe gender, like most things, is a grey area in life. I was mostly a little boy (no, not a tomboy-ish girl, but someone who only identified as a boy) for most of my childhood, but now I'm probably a boyish insecure teenage girl. These things happen.

Know what, though?

I wouldn't hold your breath waiting on me to cosplay Black Cat.

Cuz, um...this teenage girl still wants to be Gambit, thanks.

And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. I've got a big smile on my face right now, and it's a real one. When I thought the world was black and white, I didn't understand why I didn't fit the categories I was "supposed" to, but once I realized it's all grey, well...lo and behold, it does get better, as they say.

Rock on, Ragin' Cajun.

---

*I took the test a second time and made the "female" choice just for fun, and I came up as Mystique. Sure, like Leia and Gertie and other girls in my examples above, Mystique is actually pretty damn cool and she certainly does fit me personality-wise, but...yeah. Still shaking my head a bit. Not so much. I'd have never picked "girl" by choice, so while Mystique does jive with my, um, actually...let's just leave it at "does fit me personality-wise," k? *evil grin*

**I seriously am boggled at seeing little girls in dresses who aren't kicking, screaming, punching, crying, and, yes, biting to get out of them - that's what I did. Every. Damn. Sunday. I hated wearing dresses so much as a child that I would pretend to be sick every week when my mom tried to make me get up for church. I'd pretend to sleep late so I'd make us too late to go. I'd lose my dress shoes on purpose. It wasn't that I hated church (though I would grow to quickly) or my mother (that would happen also). It was the dresses. Plain and simple. I loathed them. But it was non-negotiable with my mother that I would wear them. And so, when none of my ploys worked, I would be forced into them, crying and usually after a spanking, and I. Hated. It. I hated it with every fiber of my being, and soon church and my own mother would be associated with pain and suffering and hypocrasy, as I was told to paste a smile on my face in spite of my misery. Please, parents, I beg you not to do this to your child. Let them be who they are. There are ways you can teach gender roles (if you deem them appropriate) without torture. Please don't do things like this. I understand the motivation, but there's sticking to your guns and there's torture. Mind the line in the sand, please, because it just flat sucks to mindlessly impose your will on another, and your child will hate you for it if you do. Now, you're not a good parent if your child doesn't hate you sometimes, but to force your will on a creature who has no voice at all is just pathetic. Don't do it. Please.

***Seriously, women rock. I'm proud to be one. And little Christian's death and funeral, terrible as it was, is a large part of why. It's a long story, but suffice to say that in most families, let's face it, the women tend both the dead and the living. I learned that when my mother and I took care of everything for Christian and then I listened to the other women who attended the funeral talk about their lives. All of them were older than me and had seen so much more hardship than one death. Yet all of them still had to get dinner on the table that night, so to speak. They cowgirled up, because in the fifties, your husband wasn't going to feed your other baby just because you lost one in a miscarriage or the two men in class A's showed up on the porch.

Comments

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

I have one friend who identifies as genderqueer, so I am familiar with this type of thing, and you're right - both in that the terminology can get very confusing and that I don't go quite that far into the realm of "masculine" stuff. I would agree, for the most part, that I am a butch woman, but not in the full on look like a man way that is most often associated with that word. I haven't been confused for a male in many, many years, though I often was as a child and occasionally was until high school.

These days, I would say that I merely dress very plainly/geeky girl (but not sexy geeky girl - though I must confess I rather like how my Happy Bunny tee fits - again, this has happened in the past few years only - and I'm starting to realize that I've got the body for slave Leia, so...you never know *grin*) and honestly, this isn't a big deal to me. I don't think of this as any sort of coming out. It's just my observations of my experience. After I typed this post, I nearly deleted it because I didn't want it to be taken as more than it is, but frankly I spent a lot of time typing it and that would be such a waste, so here we are. Also, I posted it because it's my statement to the world to get over this whole "put everyone into very few categories" thing it likes to do. You nailed it when you said this aspect of self can be dreadfully slippery. It's not black and white, and if one person who is grey sees this and is somehow helped by it, then I've done well today.

Seriously, though, I don't feel like a need a label at all. I'm just me.

I think it's awesome that you could (and do) go both ways with the femme and tomboy parts of you. I leaned one way young and now walk the line/have crossed to the other side, depending on the day. I've learned it's not so bad doing that. I used to avoid the femme side like the plague, but I do enjoy being girly sometimes now. Like learning the make-up thing. It didn't kill me! And it looked good! Who knew?!?

And yes, ass-kicking is much more important that the boy/girl thing. And the actual male anatomy thing? Oh, hells no. No, no, no thank you. I can't even imagine having that.

As for coercion, well, yeah. I had a problem with church as soon as I was old enough to think*, and when you added the dress thing to it, well...anathema. I don't think I would have been half so much of a brat if I hadn't had to endure that.