Final Exam

[jackwabbit]

I wrote fic!  And I'm posting it over here (blame terimaru  for that...)

(For anyone who cares and doesn't already know, my fic generally only goes on ff.net, because I simply don't have time or inclination to post it here or to FFF.net or anywhere else at the moment.  And I'm ok with that.  Anyway...off we go.  Thanks to teri for letting me play in her fishbowl.)

Final Exam
Author: jackwabbit
Fandom: Firefly
Rated: PG-13
Category: Gen, Drabble, Character Death, FutureFic, SushiFic Related-but not precisely in timeline and not a true SushiFic, as there is character death. Can stand alone. They just sparked my muse.
Spoilers: None, excepting the Sushi notes below.
Note: This fic will make much more sense if you’ve read terimaru’s story A Little Gem of Innocence, in the Sushi series. ( http://community.livejournal.com/sushi_fic/10604.html#cutid1 ) All you need to know, though, is that Mal and Inara have two children in the series, and Mal teaches the older one, a girl of seven, to shoot in order to protect her baby brother and her family if need be.  This ain't a happy one, folks.

XXX

They’d sent two, when Inara was out.

A chest shot dispatched one.

But the second had swung round behind, and Mal missed him.

Mal heard only a chuckle before the second man’s bullet found something important.

Blood stained the floor and Mal had just one thought as steps retreated from him.

The children.

Mal heard a report, then felt a body land hard beside him.

A baby screamed.

Suddenly, a young girl was beside him, smoking gun and bellowing baby in her arms.

Mal grinned and spoke the last words the two would ever hear from their father.

“Good girl.”

Comments

[charlie-bz.livejournal.com]

Not happy, you say? Why it's a sweet little tale if you replace the word "last" for "fluffiest" which is what I've done. And change "blood" to "chocolate." No tears here!

Please tell me that isn't Inara who lands next to him! 'Cause I'm thinking you just made those two kids orphans. No, it's the other guy. You've sort of sent me into a panic.

Despite the staggering sadness, this is very good. Once again, with your economy of words you've managed to create a very vivid, poignant scene. A scene that's depressed the hell out of me (actually, I guess that would be good?). Thanks. Thanks a lot.

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

Changing words mentally is ok by me.

And no, it's not Inara-it's the other guy. Alley shot him dead, like she's been taught. Inara, I think, isn't home. I guess I could get that in there somehow-easy enough, I think. I'll play with it and we'll see if it flows ok if so.

Thanks for the last bit, and I'm truly sorry if I majorly bummed you out. I held this drabble back for a long time, trying to rewrite it/alternate ending it to make it happy, but I just couldn't do it. This scene popped into my head complete, and it was too powerful to let go.

Sad? Hell yes. Strong? Hell yes.

I had to take it as it was given to me.

I'm just here to serve the muse.

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

PS-they'd never be orphans. (See icon.)

[charlie-bz.livejournal.com]

Oh, yes. They do have lots of family. I'm glad you're serving your muse - even when it takes you in this kind of direction. Don't worry about bumming me out - fics like this make me sad but at the same time kinda happy that someone can write Firefly so well.

Also, I have "Biloxi" stuck in my head. Not a bad song to have stuck that's for sure. I keep centering around the "look like sisters in the ocean" part. What is he saying here: "and the---will set from --- to New Orleans?"

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

I am to please:

Down around Biloxi
Pretty girls are dancin' in the sea
They all look like sisters in the ocean
The boy will fill his pail with salty water
And the storms will blow from off towards New Orleans

Sun shines on Biloxi
Air is filled with vapors from the sea
Boy will dig a pool beside the ocean
He sees creatures from his dream underwater
And the sun will set from off towards New Orleans

Stars can see Biloxi
Stars can find their faces in the sea
We are walking down beside the ocean
We are splashing naked in the water
And the sky is red from off towards New Orleans
And the sky is red from off towards New Orleans

Down around Biloxi
Pretty girls are swimming in the sea
They all look like sisters in the ocean
The boy will fill his pail with salty water
And the storms will blow from off toward New Orleans

[charlie-bz.livejournal.com]

"...from off towards New Orleans"

I have never been able to figure out what he was saying in these lines. Thanks for the clarification. Those words make the song even better "From off towards" that's perfection! I love JB's melancholy stuff.

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

Oh, me, too. I know, shocker, right? Me and melachonly? Surely not...

LOL!

Gots to quote Bugs if you believe that one:

"He don't know me very well, do he?"

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

Oh, and to address the non-lyrical part of the above:

"Don't worry about bumming me out - fics like this make me sad but at the same time kinda happy that someone can write Firefly so well."

Thank. You.

That phrase is wholly inadequate for how I feel about this piece of pretty words, but it will have to do, as there's not much else to say.

I'm honored and humbled.

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

Ok, I did it. I had thought about it before, and since you expressed the thing I was concerned with (where is Inara?), I fixed it. Still 100 words, AND I got to get rid of a use of the verb 'to be', which is always a good thing ('A chest shot dispensed one' instead of 'Number one was dispensed with a chest shot.' See how much nicer that is?) Thanks! The drabble word count saves the day again-kill those 'be' verbs!

By the way, I rarely change stories based on feedback (I'm not changing the plot-Jack will not marry Sam just because readers want him to, and it may not all turn out ok in the end, etc...), but when there is a valid point or something I didn't address, please, please, please tell me and that I may very well fix, with my thanks.

So, thanks again.

Ok, I'm going to stop now...

Later.

[buzybee06.livejournal.com]

Hey, that is pretty good for 100 words. almost poetic.

can you do it as a hiku? hehe.

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

Bad men killed Mal.
But he'd taught his daughter right.
Children lived on.

[terimaru.livejournal.com]

I love the haiku. :)

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

Thanks!

I mean, she asked...

What was I supposed to do, not do one?

*grin*

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

PS-I thought you might like the tag title, too-let's do the thing, indeed. Thanks again for letting me play.

[terimaru.livejournal.com]

I love the tag. Hopefully you'll get more guppies - the bunnies of the sushi world. :D

[jackwabbit.livejournal.com]

You never know! *G*